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[August 6th, 2005
- 2:42am] |
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![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) itslifesaidshe
I made a new livejournal because well, really I'm not the same person I was when I began writing in this a year and a half ago.
Many of the things I've written I'd like to forget.
With that being said, you're welcome to add it.
This journal will no longer be in use.
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[January 6th, 2005
- 4:57pm] |
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This is something I should have done a long, long time ago.
Comment to be added.
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[January 5th, 2005
- 4:49pm] |
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School was lame but, my first period teacher played Bright Eyes in class which made me real happy.
I don't know anyone in that class so I'll just be friends with the teacher since she likes good music.
This weekend I'm not sure what I'm doing but Greg & I are going to hang out because we haven't in like 18384848 years.
Other than that, I don't know.
I really want to go to a movie because I miss doing that.
( And nothing is ever all that simple. )
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[January 4th, 2005
- 9:28pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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The Rocket Summer. |
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( This is me. )
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| I'm getting over you. |
[January 3rd, 2005
- 9:28pm] |
I'm quite good at getting myself into not so easy situations.
And this is one of them.
Tomorrow is going to be the deciding factor.
You were always so beautiful.
And we'd stand and hug for long periods of time without letting go.
But at some point things got complicated and our hugs got shorter and less meaningful.
You used to look at me and tell me I'm beautiful, even without words.
But, you don't even look at me anymore.
I think you once told me you we're giving yourself space because you were already too attatched.
But space became miles upon miles and things all together changed.
I really did miss the way things were and you have to believe me when I say that I tried to fix them.
I tried reaching out to you, but you pushed me away.
And as hard as it was, I had to move on.
I can't say I don't have feelings for you anymore because really, I think that's a lie.
But I can say that they have been greatly diluted.
And it hurts to say all of this because I always imagined us working things out.
But, winter came and you left me in the cold alone.
Tomorrow will be the first time I've seen you in what seems like forever.
And tomorrow my heart is going to finally figure out how I feel.
But, a good friend of mine told me that when I look at you, to remember how much you've hurt me these past 4 months.
And considering the countless number of tears I've cried over you, it's going to be hard to want to be with you again.
I really wanted to be with you at one point, but I didn't feel as though it was mutual.
Maybe next time you really care about someone you should tell them how you feel.
Because I always let you know how much I cared, and you always just remained silent and that killed me.
And if by some chance you do really care, well now would be your time to say something.
It's better late than never.
But, today I was holding a hand that wasn't yours.
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[January 3rd, 2005
- 7:53pm] |
Today I got my new passport pictures taken (after MUCH STRESS) and went to TJ's and watched A Clockwork Orange.
I left both my sunglasses & eyeglasses there.
Sammi, you're a moron.
Today was also the end of winter break.
I'm sad to see it go because I had lots and lots of fun, but it'll be nice seeing everyone again.
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[January 3rd, 2005
- 12:35am] |
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I was at TJ's from 3-11 today, but really it didn't seem that long.
He's a really good guy (minus biting my nose AND CALLING ME MEANMEANMEAN nicknames) and it's fun spending time with him.
There's a lot more I could say, but I'm not going to because well, I'm not sure how to say it.
Anyways, it was fun.
:::Edit::: I've seriously given up on finding anyone who cares because no one ever does. Even when I seem to think people will be different, they aren't. Everyone really is the same.
( Goodbye 2004. This is for all of you who made the year great. )
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[January 2nd, 2005
- 12:24pm] |
Break is almost over and that's sad.
I'd really rather NOT go back to school.
It's so depressing.
Today I'm going to TJ's because he is a moron and hasn't seen some of the best movies ever.
But, tonight I have no idea.
SO LETS HANG OUT KIDS.
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[January 2nd, 2005
- 12:52am] |
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This break has been good for the most part.
A lot of my Chattohoochee friends and I haven't hung out which has made me sad but, I'll see them soon enough, I suppose.
Last night was fun and dramatic all at once.
Across Five Aprils was alright.
Steph, Kristine, TJ and I ended up leaving early and going to Steak and Shake.
We watched the ball drop at TJ's and I basically want his mom to be my own.
But, this break has also given me lots of time to think about certain important things.
( These writings are blurred together )
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[January 1st, 2005
- 12:38am] |
I'm crying so hard right now I can't even breathe.
What a good start to a new fucking year.
Nothing changes.
Nothing ever fucking changes.
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| This is the New Year and I don't feel any different. |
[December 31st, 2004
- 5:59pm] |
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music |
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The Spill Canvas. |
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A long December, and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leavin'
Now the days go by so fast
And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I can be forgiven....I wish you would
The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that its all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl
And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think you might come to California...I think you should
Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her
And its been a long December, and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean..I guess I should.
I don't like when my friends ditch me for guys.
But, It always seems to happen.
Whatever.
My mom wouldn't let me go to Taras because frankly, she's a bitch.
Especially lately.
She takes everything out on me even when it's not my fault.
2004, I really don't think I'll miss you all that much.
Thank you for introducing me to some amazing people, and some amazing music.
I've had some of the best kisses and gone to some of the best shows within you, 2004.
But, you've done lots of damage and made me cry more than just a few times.
I can only pray 2005 will be less stressful and more calm.
But, it's doubtful.
I'll make an attempt to be optimistic, but really the new year is not going to make anyone really change.
Including me.
So things probably won't be any different, minus when I have to head my papers.
Have a safe New Year's eve guys.
Don't do anything too stupid, I'd be horribly sad if anything happened to any of you.
Thanks for 2004, I love you all.
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[December 26th, 2004
- 3:19pm] |
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Right now, I'm leaving for North Carolina.
At first, I didn't want to go.
But now, I think it'll be nice to get away for a day or so.
There's many things I need to sort out.
So, Goodbye Georgia, Hello North Carolina.
I'll be back Tuesday around 6ish.
Tell me if you'd like to hang out then.
Oh and Wednesday, who wants to go with me/take me to mall of georgia so we can drool over this guy.
 
Aka Ryan. He's coming to visit for about an hour or so and I know you all want to hang out with Him& I. RIGHT RIGHT?!?@! Plus I'll give you gas money and buy you lunch. <3
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[December 25th, 2004
- 8:54pm] |
ohoh blasphemy: I appreciate you taking pictures because my porn gets old sometimes
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
He is my favorite person alive.
Merry Christmas kids<3
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| I will crumble. |
[December 24th, 2004
- 10:39pm] |
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mood |
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 thankful |
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music |
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Acceptance |
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At this time last year, we were exchanging "I love you's" and wishing we'd unwrap eachother for christmas.
But everything fades away.
And this Christmas you're using the same silly Christmas love lines, but on a different girl, with longer hair and bigger eyes.
And Something Corporate has been on pause since you walked out of my life, and still is.
It hurts too much to think about how much I once cared about you, and how you're whispering the same things in another's ear.
And I've yet to get into the spirit of Christmas, because spending my checks on meaningless gifts has never fulfilled me at all.
And all the holiday cheer & holiday alcohol doesn't phase me, and I just look the other way.
You ask me "Why can't you just be normal?"
Well, please family, define normal.
You whispered, "I always thought you looked better with dyed blonde hair."
Sorry that I got tired of being fake.
Your olive complection is a constant reminder of how my dark hair & pale skin doesn't fit in with the rest of the bright eyed family members.
But, tonight is your night to shine.
So I take a sip of old rum, and brush my hair.
But, this bronzer and red lipstick isn't hiding anything.
You tell me to blend in.
But, I'd rather just isolate myself.
I'll blend in tonight just for you.
I wouldn't want the company to get a bad impression of you through your rock star daughter.
This fake smile and "nice to meet you" is obviously a facade.
It's all for you. It's always for you.
As you down another gin & tonic, I realize that tomorrow is in fact Christmas.
And that Christmas means fake laughter and fake hugs.
I remember when I was little, I would wake up so early and run into your room and beg you to wake up.
Santa had come, and I couldn't wait to see what he had brought me.
Things weren't so fake back then.
But, things change.
I watch you all mouth the words to bad christmas songs, and laugh at old memories, but I'm not apart of any of this.
I'm surrounded by people, but all alone.
I miss being apart of the family.
But, my dark eyes have set me apart.
And I'm alone on the family tree.
And as for you, you're still on my mind and in my heart, but it's quite obvious that you just don't care anymore.
It'd be nice to be holding your hand this Christmas, and whispering I love you by a fire, but I'm sitting here and you're somewhere else, and the only hands I see are my own.
And it's all my fault.
Because afterall, everything really is my fault.
I pushed you away until I finally realized how much I need you.
But, it's too late.
Oh it's always too late.
And I could sit and tell you that I love you for hours and hours, and confess exactly how I feel to you, but it wouldn't do me any good.
I'm sure you're reading this right now, and if you're questioning whether not this is about you, well it is.
It hurts the most to know that what we could have had could have been perfect, but I let my family problems interfere, and pushed you away, not knowing that it would be forever.
And to be honest, the only thing I put on my christmas list is you.
But, even Santa can't bring you to me.
I care about you so much that it nearly makes me sick.
And I know whatever you do in life will be great.
As far as break goes, it's been alright.
Kristine and Steph are the shit and I thoroughly enjoy hanging out with them.
There's a lot of things I need to do though.
For example, I need to continue writing my novel & visit certain people I haven't seen in a while, and HANG OUT WITH TJ BECAUSE IT WILL HAPPEN YOU HOE, etc.
Anyways, it's Christmas and I need to stop complaining and just say I love you to all of you.
You all mean so much to me it's almost painful, and I really would be NOWHERE without you all.
You always put a real smile on my face, and I love you all.
Merry Christmas.
( But you're so good at taking your time to get back to me. )
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[December 22nd, 2004
- 1:33pm] |
What Will someonesovague Get ?
| Xmas pressie predictor | | Big wooly jumper knitted by | hidden_manner | | Pair of Socks from | your_name____ | | Bottle of Whiskey from | stevoonfire | | Cd from | ___inmates | | Something Cuddly from | cacoph0ny | | Something Intoxicating from | unquietxmind | | Something Silly from | ma5tubat10n | | Something Funny from | asyoubleed | | Lump of coal from | wangatrocious | | Something Pretty from | fires_fizzle | | Something Shiny from | last_goodbye_32 | | Something Naughty from | xbonjovicorex | | Something Smelly from | exhumedrhetoric | | Something Breakable from | dead_giveaway | | Something Useful from | xchrisxcorex | | Something not useful from | myheartwontwork | | The Black and Decker Tool Kit from | mik3schim | | Livejournal account from | stupid_lush | | The Make-up Bag from | eagerxtearxdrop | | Stack of DVDs from | _vermillion | | Something Geeky from | astro_not |
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[December 21st, 2004
- 1:35pm] |
This weekend has been fun.
Last night with Sydney was quite an adventure, but nonetheless fun.
We saw Oceans 12 and it was... alright, I suppose.
I love that girl, she's too cute.
But, I just feel like certain things have been missing.
And I miss Greg.
A lot.
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| Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry. |
[December 15th, 2004
- 9:52pm] |
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mood |
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 uncomfortable |
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music |
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coldplay |
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You don't know how lovely you are.
I have to find you.
Tell you I need you, tell you I set you apart.
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions.
Oh let's go back to the start.
How appropriate.
I'm not writing this to get your "I'm Sorry" pity comments.
And I don't want you to tell me how things will change, because you and I both are quite aware that they never will.
Because some things just are meant to stay the same.
And I suppose this is one of them.
I was reading someone's livejournal post and it really sounded like something I would have written, because I honestly am feeling the exact same way.
Things have changed.
And I don't know how to get anything back to where I feel comfortable, but at this point I'm not sure they even could go back that way even if I wanted them to.
I'm always the outcast.
I'm always the third fucking wheel.
I'm always the one standing alone while everyone else is laughing and gossiping.
And I have no inside jokes or stupid phrases to say with anyone, because..
I don't have anyone.
I used to feel loved, and welcomed.
But, now, whenever I'm around people, I'm thinking to myself, "They don't like me very much."
Because no one tries to include me in anything.
And oh god, I'm not blaming anyone because I know I've discluded myself many times, but everything just seems to have come crashing down on me.
It hurts when you say to eachother, "Oh love, I'd love to get to know you better." or "We need to hang out more because you're amazing", because well, no one ever tells me that.
Maybe I'm just not a fun person to be around because I'm so caustic and sarcastic, and just get so moody.
But, it still really hurts when everyone loves eachother and everyone wants to be best friends, but no one includes me in it.
I just feel misplaced.
And like I should be somewhere else because I'm not really wanted where I am.
I used to be so content with life because I loved my friends and they seemingly loved me.
But, that's all gone now.
I'm not sure what exactly it is that I have done.
But, when I go out alone I get even more stares than I used to, and not the good kind.
I miss having someone to call my best friend.
But, I guess it's just a title anyways.
Please don't get me wrong when reading this, because I love my friends dearly and think you're all lovely people.
I just feel as though none of you want me around anymore.
And, I guess I can't make you feel differently.
I think this hurts so much because I'm not sure why I'm not affable like the rest of you.
I don't know, maybe I'm paranoid.
But, I can tell by the way your faces don't smile when you see me, that I'm not really wanted.
And I can tell by all of your sarcastic remarks towards me that I'm not really your friend.
I'm just a girl who you all see, and pretend to love, just so my heart doesn't break anymore.
But, I'm tired of looking in the mirror, with tear stained cheeks, wondering where my best friends went, and wondering how I drove them away.
I just can't figure out what exactly is so wrong with me.
And it hurts, because I love my friends more than anything in the world,
and if I don't have you all, I really do have nothing.
But, I just can't take your hurtful, sarcastic words any longer.
Because even if you're kidding, it's breaking my heart.
And I'd apologize every hour and every week and every month and every year for the rest of my life, if that would make things better.
But I know it won't.
And I just can't really apologize when I'm not sure what I've done.
These are supposed to be the best years of my life.
But, the certainly don't seem like it.
I miss feeling needed, feeling cared about.
I just want to be apart of everyone's lives again.
But, I guess watching from the sidelines is okay for now.
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[December 13th, 2004
- 9:22pm] |
Dear Greg,
I <3 You and Your pink eye.
Love, Sammi.
PS. Wash your hands more often and maybe your eye ball wouldn't be pink.
Although, pink is a lovely color.
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| Give me your hand, and I'll show you where we stand. |
[December 12th, 2004
- 10:59pm] |
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mood |
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drained |
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music |
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this day and age |
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Dear Samantha Rae,
It's time to grow up.
It's time to let petty things go.
Every one talks about everyone.
Don't cry anymore.
Stop being so upset about everything.
Stop fighting with you're parents.
You know you're killing your mother.
Oh Samantha, dear.
Don't you know how you're changing?
Bitterness kills.
Jealousy wounds.
Those words you're whispering are for purposes that won't solve anything.
Come back to reality, love.
This is life, and it's not easy.
But, Rae, you can make it through.
Put all of this petty fighting aside, and ignore arrogance.
Ignore hateful words, because they disappear quickly.
You know you've said them before.
You're so beautiful when you cry.
But, love, it's time to stop.
You're not a child anymore.
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