Pass the flask...

someonesovague @ 2005-08-06T02:42:00

2005-08-06T06:43:29Z

I made a new livejournal because well, really I'm not the same person I was when I began writing in this a year and a half ago.
Many of the things I've written I'd like to forget.
With that being said, you're welcome to add it.
This journal will no longer be in use.

Damn right that sluts my bitch.

2005-05-10T01:02:06Z

I'll be nice and make this public.

Thursday.

NICE.

Friday.
8 A.M. SUP

i love taraaaa jean.

TheElectronicCastros@myspace.com!

Josh Carlson!

Saturday I forgot my camera.

Sunday I was vain.

it's getting real blonde and real shaggy and i need to fix that.

The End!

someonesovague @ 2005-01-06T16:57:00

2005-01-06T22:12:34Z

This is something I should have done a long, long time ago.

Comment to be added.

someonesovague @ 2005-01-05T16:49:00

2005-01-05T22:08:59Z

School was lame but, my first period teacher played Bright Eyes in class which made me real happy.
I don't know anyone in that class so I'll just be friends with the teacher since she likes good music.
This weekend I'm not sure what I'm doing but Greg & I are going to hang out because we haven't in like 18384848 years.
Other than that, I don't know.
I really want to go to a movie because I miss doing that.

This is getting out of control.
I am getting out of control.
But I don't know what to do to stop all of this from happening.
This is all going to end up badly.

I'm real good at complicating things.
Real real good.
If I could, there's many things I would take back.
There's many hearts I wouldn't break & many people I wouldn't allow to break mine.
But, I can't go back because it's just not that easy.
And even if I could take away the million kisses from boys who I didn't care about, or the million times I told myself I really adored someone when really, they meant nothing, and even if I could take back all those nights I spent talking behind other people's backs, I'm not sure I would.
Because going back is just too easy.
And I'd rather take the hard way out.
You never learn from mistakes you don't fix.
And I'm going to fix this.
I really don't know how.
But I will.

The biggest problem is that not only do I really not know how anyone feels about any of this, I don't know how I feel, which only makes things worse.
But you know, things don't just change.
And you can't just change.
And even if you promised you would, I doubt it would actually happen.
It's much easier to say you'll change, than to actually do it.
And considering how much you've hurt me previously, I'm not sure if I want to even wait & see if you'll change.
Because waiting is just too hard.
And I really can't take anymore of this flip-flopping any longer.

And this jacket smells like you, but I refuse to hold it close to my heart because it hurts too much to feel this way.
And as much as I wish that I could change everything and could erase time, you and I both know I can't.

I just can't.

IN OTHER NEWS.
LOOK AT PICTURES OF THIS FAG I KNOW WHO STOLE MY GLASSES.

GIVETHEMBACK.
STOP BEING SO UGLY PLZ.
;D. JUSTKIDDING.

someonesovague @ 2005-01-04T21:28:00

2005-01-05T03:10:53Z

My real name is Samantha Rae. I hate my last name so I never use it. Ever.
I'm really flirtatious which because real bad sometimes because I tend to lead people on a lot.
Like everyone else ever.. I'm a hopeless romantic.
I'm really moody.
I'm disgustingly sensitive.
I used to starve myself.
I used to purge.
I used to cut my hips so no one could see my scars.
But now I think all of that is stupid.
I'm really confrontational and don't like leaving things unsettled.
I only eat fattening foods.
I tell myself I'm going to diet at least once a month and never do.
I'm a waste of space.
I like my cell phone, but I like my computer better.
I like going to shows, and I'm never without some form of music.
I lead a fairly boring, average life.
I'm afraid of death, and insects, and love.
I'm especially afraid of love, and commitment and I don't get alone.
I busted my lip when I was younger and when I smile one side of lip is bigger.
I keep telling myself I'm ready for another relationship but when I get close to being in one, I complicate things.
I am a horrible artist but I adore art.
I love poetry, mostly beat poetry, but recently I have nothing to write about.
I love singing, it's all I do really.
I could be an amazing student but, I don't apply myself.
I don't like TV unless I'm super bored.
I'm really shy but come off bitchy.
I usually like most everyone but, probably don't act like it because I'm really caustic and sarcastic.
I'm really shy but when I'm in a crowd I get annoyingly loud.
I overanalyze EVERYTHING.
I've always wanted a boyfriend to be my best friend.
My favorite quailty of a guy is his balance between being humorous and being serious.
He needs to know what's appropriate at what time.
I really can't stand when people are overly sarcastic.
I get my feelings hurt ridiculously easy.
Normally, I'm attractived to guys who are super tall, and super skinny.
But I never date them.
I end up dating the average height, average weight sort of guy.
And that's fine by me.
I drink occasionally when I'm sad. But not so much anymore.
I don't smoke. I don't see a point in it at all.
I don't do other drugs. See the reason above.
I would never refer to myself as straightedge even if I didn't occasionally drink because I find the whole term to be incredibly stupid. (I'm sorry friends who are. It's just gotten out of hand.)
I'm really quiet in classes where I don't have friends.
I get incredibly jealous and am really bitter about certain things.
I'm good at holding grudges.
I'm always alone and I'm fine with it but sometimes, I get real real lonely.
And then I get real real sad.
I really look like shit in person, but take photographs well.
I take about 100 pictures and delete 98 out of that 100.
As far as relationships go, I hate rushing into things but always do anyways.
And then after a week I realize how ridiculous this is and push myself away from the person causing them to be real real confused.
And then after x amount of days I realize I do really like the person but then, normally, it's too late because they've moved on.
It's a really vicious cycle that I'd like to break but can't seem to.
I really like kissing people and so, I do.
I used to kiss people at random but now it's only people I care about.
Then again, I'm real good at convincing myself I have feelings that I don't.
I hate clingy guys.
I hate needy guys.
I hate being hung all over and paraded around in public.
I hate the term "going out." (really it ruins everything.)
I hate being asked out because I feel real bad saying no.
If I want to date someone/be exclusive they'll know because I'll make it crystal clear.
I tend to like more than one person at one time and I tend to get mixed up in a web of complications.
I can rarely decide between two guys because both always seem to have their ups and downs.
Then I end up lonely.
Distance is a really big bitch.
I hate eye contact.
I hate first kisses.
I love first kisses.
I hate awkward silence.
I love silence.
I am the most confusing person I know.
I debate back and forth with myself for hours upon hours about stupid things.
I think I'm in love.
I'll never be in love.
I was in love.
I don't know what love is.
Movies are my best friend.
I'm annoying.
I'm repetitive.
I know what I want.
I have no clue what I want.
I want everything, I don't want anything.
This is far too confusing.
I don't like cheaters.
I don't like liars.
I get my heart broken at least twice a year.
I miss you.
I wish you'd disappear.
Sometimes I think about you.
Sometimes I forget you exsist.
I have a mole on my clevage.
I'm really pale.
My hair is going to fall out from all the dye.
I wish you would hold me.
I wish you would never fucking touch me again.
Sometimes I want to kiss you.
Sometimes I'd like to kick you in the balls.
I can't make decisions.
I'm full of empty promises.
I'll break your heart.
You'll make me cry.
Life is one big cycle.
I am just one of its small, small components.
But this is who I am.
You can love me, or you can hate me.
I am love.
I am hate.
I am me.

I'm getting over you.

2005-01-04T02:48:59Z

I'm quite good at getting myself into not so easy situations.
And this is one of them.
~~Tomorrow is going to be the deciding factor.~~

You were always so beautiful.
And we'd stand and hug for long periods of time without letting go.
But at some point things got complicated and our hugs got shorter and less meaningful.
You used to look at me and tell me I'm beautiful, even without words.
But, you don't even look at me anymore.
I think you once told me you we're giving yourself space because you were already too attatched.
But space became miles upon miles and things all together changed.
I really did miss the way things were and you have to believe me when I say that I tried to fix them.
I tried reaching out to you, but you pushed me away.
And as hard as it was, I had to move on.
I can't say I don't have feelings for you anymore because really, I think that's a lie.
But I can say that they have been greatly diluted.
And it hurts to say all of this because I always imagined us working things out.
But, winter came and you left me in the cold alone.
Tomorrow will be the first time I've seen you in what seems like forever.
~~And tomorrow my heart is going to finally figure out how I feel.~~
But, a good friend of mine told me that when I look at you, to remember how much you've hurt me these past 4 months.
And considering the countless number of tears I've cried over you, it's going to be hard to want to be with you again.
I really wanted to be with you at one point, but I didn't feel as though it was mutual.
Maybe next time you really care about someone you should tell them how you feel.
Because I always let you know how much I cared, and you always just remained silent and that killed me.
And if by some chance you do really care, well now would be your time to say something.

It's better late than never.
But, today I was holding a hand that wasn't yours.

someonesovague @ 2005-01-03T19:53:00

2005-01-04T00:55:09Z

Today I got my new passport pictures taken (after MUCH STRESS) and went to TJ's and watched A Clockwork Orange.
I left both my sunglasses & eyeglasses there.
Sammi, you're a moron.
Today was also the end of winter break.
I'm sad to see it go because I had lots and lots of fun, but it'll be nice seeing everyone again.

someonesovague @ 2005-01-03T00:35:00

2005-01-03T05:40:38Z

I was at TJ's from 3-11 today, but really it didn't seem that long.
He's a really good guy (minus biting my nose AND CALLING ME MEANMEANMEAN nicknames) and it's fun spending time with him.
There's a lot more I could say, but I'm not going to because well, I'm not sure how to say it.
Anyways, it was fun.

:::Edit::: I've seriously given up on finding anyone who cares because no one ever does. Even when I seem to think people will be different, they aren't. Everyone really is the same.

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Put 100% of my trust in someone.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any and my only resolution is to lose weight & try harder in certain classes.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My cousin.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
None.

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
One stable relationship.

7. What date(s) from 2004 will remain etched in your memory, and why?
Probably the day Chris and I broke up because it was real hard.
And The Cure show.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Sticking up for myself and letting go of all the bad things I used to surround myself with.

9. What was your biggest failure?
My schoolwork and keeping stable relationships. They always seem to fall through.

0. Did you suffer illness or injury?
A few colds and a broken heart.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Probably...aw man I don't know.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Specifically? Fuck that.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My own. And a few old friends. But whatever, it's not my problem anymore.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Clothes and food.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Shows. I love music.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2004?
Any Something Corporate/The Format song.
Any Converge song.
"The Ponytail Parade"-Emery.
"Love Song"-The Cure.
"A Long December"-Counting Crows.
"Punch Drunk Punk Rock Romance"-Every Time I Die
"405"-Death Cab

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? I think a little happier. It depends on the event.
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter
iii. richer or poorer? Richer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Probably enjoying certain experiences. I sort of complained about a lot, even when there was nothing to really complain about.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Pushing people I cared about away. That ruined lots of things. And complaining.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Well, I already had Christmas and I spent it with my parents and sister.

22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
Yes. (and it's probably not who you think it is.)

23. How many one-night stands?
None.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Queer Eye For The Straight Guy.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Oh god yes.

26. What was the best book you read?
Catcher in the Rye.

27. What was/were your greatest musical discoveries?
Converge, Every Time I Die, The Blood Brothers, The Black Dahlia Murder, Fight Paris, Love is Red, and The Format.

28. What did you want and get?
I wanted to fall in love, and well I did. Unfortunatly, that just doesn't work because he doesn't live here.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Garden State. Oh man.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
On my birthday I went out to dinner with people, but I ended up being sad.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Sorting things out with people instead of just completely stopping all communication.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Uhhh. Beginning I wore a lot of American Eagle. Mayish I started wearing bright colors and folded jeans. And from then on, lots of colors and layers.

34. What kept you sane?
Music. Writing. And my friends.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Johnny Depp (as always.)

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
gay- marriage.

37. Who did you miss?
What kind of people use to be and what they meant to me. I miss how naïve and optimistic I was. How care free and how I never felt needy. I think my heart just aches to be filled again.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Really, theres too many people. So let me just state the people I love.
Gillian Sydney Carolyn Kat and Lindsay- You kids are my hearts. I really would have gone insane without you. From shows to sleepovers to stalking boys at the mall, it's been amazing. And I couldn't love you all more.
Jeremy, David Head, Josh, and James (and Sam the few times we've hung out)- You guys always know how to make me smile, always.
Greg-I really can't even begin, but you're amazing, and I adore you.
RyanFUCKINGTaylor and Ben-I love you guys. You've kept me sane.<3
Kristine and Stephanie-IFUCKINGLOVEYOUGIRLS. I have so much fun with you and I'm SO glad we're friends. I haven't laughed so hard in my life while being with you two.
Kate, Kailey, Tara, Loren, Erin, Sharlyn, Alyson, Brittany, Daniella and Kassi-Honestly, I love each and everyone of you in a special way. You all have REALLY made me feel at home, and it's so nice to finally meet such lovely and honest people. Whether it be shows, or classrooms, or starbucks, each of you girls always makes me smile. I love you.
Danielle- It's sad that we've only hung out once, but I love taling to you. You're so adorable and such a sweetheart.
Zack Blanke-Oh fuck. I can't begin because I'll never end, but thank you for being the reason I started listening to certain amazing bands.
And thank you for being so unbelieveably beautiful, and letting me stare at you until I switched schools. You always made me smile and always made my day 393959395x's better.
I miss the way you and I used to talk but, people change and maybe someday things will be the same.
Steve-MR.BRIGHTSIDE. I loved getting lost on the way to Mall of Georgia and I loved the big big smile you put on my face.
Chris- Dear, I couldn't begin to describe how much you made me realize the things about myself that I needed to fix. You were my summer, and I will never forget those hot days spent in your car, listening to you sing and holding your hand. You were lovely then and are lovely now and although we rarely hang out now, I can't forget all you've done for me. I love you and miss you a lot.
TJ-Basically you bit my nose today and made my lip swell up, but I still adore you. I LIKE YOUR HAIR CURLY AND <3<3<3<3. We're quite alike and it's refreshing spending time with someone who's gone through the same things I have.
Eric & Grant- Oh snap. You kids are so funny. Eric, you always leave me laughing. And Grant, well. You and I used to be fairly close but, things have changed. I miss you, though.
Everyone else, I love you. All of you have changed my life in some way or form. I will never forget you 2004 or the memories I've shared with the lovely people above.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
I've learned to stop caring about what other people think. It's okay that I'm not 100% normal. And I've learned that pushing people away isn't going to solve anything. I need to confront my problems and fix them, instead of taking them out on everyone surrounding me.

40. Quote a song that sums up your year:
"And its been a long December, and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass"

someonesovague @ 2005-01-02T12:24:00

2005-01-02T17:25:43Z

Break is almost over and that's sad.
I'd really rather NOT go back to school.
It's so depressing.
Today I'm going to TJ's because he is a moron and hasn't seen some of the best movies ever.
But, tonight I have no idea.
SO LETS HANG OUT KIDS.

someonesovague @ 2005-01-02T00:52:00

2005-01-02T06:22:25Z

This break has been good for the most part.
A lot of my Chattohoochee friends and I haven't hung out which has made me sad but, I'll see them soon enough, I suppose.

Last night was fun and dramatic all at once.
Across Five Aprils was alright.
Steph, Kristine, TJ and I ended up leaving early and going to Steak and Shake.
We watched the ball drop at TJ's and I basically want his mom to be my own.

But, this break has also given me lots of time to think about certain important things.

Last night I dug my nails into my skin so hard that it left an impression for hours.
And I couldn't scream how I felt, because I couldn't even speak.
And I hate the feeling like everything is crumbling and not having a way to stop it.
Well it's the new year now.
But last year can't just be erased.
And all the drama, and all the bad feelings are just carried over.
And nothing is really changing.
Just the date.
And maybe the weather.
The new year doesn't really bring change.
And resolutions are falling through everywhere.
Everything blurs together.
The optimist says that this is the time that we can all change who we are.
But honestly, how many people are going to change because the date is different?
The date isn't going to make me feel any differently.
And I can promise myself I'll be more thoughtful, and more organized, and pay more attention in school.
But, they'd be useless promises.
Because the leap from 2004 to 2005 hasn't magically changed my perspective on anything.
It's just a different date to write on my headings, and a different year to write in my journal.
Everything blurs together.
And I feel the same as I did yesterday.

You used to call me beautiful, but now you just don't call.
And I sit in my room waiting for my phone to light up, but it never does.
And I'm left with your answering machine, and those memories of looking at you and knowing that you cared.
Well, maybe you still care but, you don't look at me the way you once did.
And all the butterflies must have gone somewhere warmer, because I'm here and you're there, not thinking about me.
And this used to keep me up all night long because I couldn't get past the fact that you once really wanted to hold my hand and now you'd rather push me away.
But, as much as I do care about you, and as lovely as you are, I'm afraid to say that I've let it go.
I just can't keep thinking about you.
And calling your phone just to get your answering machine.
I just can't keep holding onto you when you've let me go.
Maybe one day you'll look at me with loving eyes again.
But until then, I've got to stop playing this Elliott Smith CD and move on.
I'll always be wondering if we could have been in love, but I suppose if it's meant to be, it will happen someday.

Oh mother dearest, why must you make me cry?
And even when I'm already crying, instead of comforting me, you insist upon making things worse.
I'm a big girl now.
And I don't need your petty lectures on how I need to run my life.
Because it is exactly that.
My life.
You may think you have control over me because I'm not yet eighteen,
But mother dear, you have no control over my feelings.
And you simply cannot tell me who and who not to associate with, or what I need to do to succeed.
I'm just fine on my own.
And if you actually cared, you'd let me experience life first hand.
You can't prevent me from getting heartbroken.
And you can't force me to enjoy school.
And even if you lock me in my room, that doesn't mean I'm going to do anything productive.
I can only really put my heart into things I enjoy.
And everything else is going to be mediocre.
And maybe, mediocre isn't so bad.

And as for you.
Why are you giving me this odd feeling in my stomach?
I'd rather not become weak at the knees.
This can't be happening.
I'm not allowed to feel like this.
I'm not allowed to feel.
I'm far far too apathetic to need you.
So why can't I stop shaking?

I was going to put up pictures but I'm being lazy.
I will tomorrow or something.
<3

someonesovague @ 2005-01-01T00:38:00

2005-01-01T05:39:24Z

I'm crying so hard right now I can't even breathe.
What a good start to a new fucking year.

Nothing changes.
Nothing ever fucking changes.

This is the New Year and I don't feel any different.

2004-12-31T23:03:12Z

A long December, and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leavin'
Now the days go by so fast
And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I can be forgiven....I wish you would
The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that its all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl
And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think you might come to California...I think you should
Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her
And its been a long December, and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean..I guess I should.

I don't like when my friends ditch me for guys.
But, It always seems to happen.
Whatever.

My mom wouldn't let me go to Taras because frankly, she's a bitch.
Especially lately.
She takes everything out on me even when it's not my fault.

2004, I really don't think I'll miss you all that much.
Thank you for introducing me to some amazing people, and some amazing music.
I've had some of the best kisses and gone to some of the best shows within you, 2004.
But, you've done lots of damage and made me cry more than just a few times.
I can only pray 2005 will be less stressful and more calm.
But, it's doubtful.
I'll make an attempt to be optimistic, but really the new year is not going to make anyone really change.
Including me.
So things probably won't be any different, minus when I have to head my papers.

Have a safe New Year's eve guys.
Don't do anything too stupid, I'd be horribly sad if anything happened to any of you.
Thanks for 2004, I love you all.

someonesovague @ 2004-12-26T15:19:00

2004-12-26T20:20:43Z

Right now, I'm leaving for North Carolina.
At first, I didn't want to go.
But now, I think it'll be nice to get away for a day or so.
There's many things I need to sort out.
So, Goodbye Georgia, Hello North Carolina.
I'll be back Tuesday around 6ish.
Tell me if you'd like to hang out then.
Oh and Wednesday, who wants to go with me/take me to mall of georgia so we can drool over this guy.

Aka Ryan. He's coming to visit for about an hour or so and I know you all want to hang out with Him& I. RIGHT RIGHT?!?@! Plus I'll give you gas money and buy you lunch. <3

someonesovague @ 2004-12-25T20:54:00

2004-12-26T01:54:34Z

ohoh blasphemy: I appreciate you taking pictures because my porn gets old sometimes

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
He is my favorite person alive.
Merry Christmas kids<3

I will crumble.

2004-12-25T04:40:58Z

At this time last year, we were exchanging "I love you's" and wishing we'd unwrap eachother for christmas.
But everything fades away.
And this Christmas you're using the same silly Christmas love lines, but on a different girl, with longer hair and bigger eyes.
And Something Corporate has been on pause since you walked out of my life, and still is.
It hurts too much to think about how much I once cared about you, and how you're whispering the same things in another's ear.

And I've yet to get into the spirit of Christmas, because spending my checks on meaningless gifts has never fulfilled me at all.
And all the holiday cheer & holiday alcohol doesn't phase me, and I just look the other way.
You ask me "Why can't you just be normal?"
Well, please family, define normal.
You whispered, "I always thought you looked better with dyed blonde hair."
Sorry that I got tired of being fake.
Your olive complection is a constant reminder of how my dark hair & pale skin doesn't fit in with the rest of the bright eyed family members.
But, tonight is your night to shine.
So I take a sip of old rum, and brush my hair.
But, this bronzer and red lipstick isn't hiding anything.
You tell me to blend in.
But, I'd rather just isolate myself.
I'll blend in tonight just for you.
I wouldn't want the company to get a bad impression of you through your rock star daughter.
This fake smile and "nice to meet you" is obviously a facade.
It's all for you. It's always for you.
As you down another gin & tonic, I realize that tomorrow is in fact Christmas.
And that Christmas means fake laughter and fake hugs.
I remember when I was little, I would wake up so early and run into your room and beg you to wake up.
Santa had come, and I couldn't wait to see what he had brought me.
Things weren't so fake back then.
But, things change.
I watch you all mouth the words to bad christmas songs, and laugh at old memories, but I'm not apart of any of this.
I'm surrounded by people, but all alone.
I miss being apart of the family.
But, my dark eyes have set me apart.
And I'm alone on the family tree.

And as for you, you're still on my mind and in my heart, but it's quite obvious that you just don't care anymore.
It'd be nice to be holding your hand this Christmas, and whispering I love you by a fire, but I'm sitting here and you're somewhere else, and the only hands I see are my own.
And it's all my fault.
Because afterall, everything really is my fault.
I pushed you away until I finally realized how much I need you.
But, it's too late.
Oh it's always too late.
And I could sit and tell you that I love you for hours and hours, and confess exactly how I feel to you, but it wouldn't do me any good.
I'm sure you're reading this right now, and if you're questioning whether not this is about you, well it is.
It hurts the most to know that what we could have had could have been perfect, but I let my family problems interfere, and pushed you away, not knowing that it would be forever.
And to be honest, the only thing I put on my christmas list is you.
But, even Santa can't bring you to me.
I care about you so much that it nearly makes me sick.
And I know whatever you do in life will be great.

As far as break goes, it's been alright.
Kristine and Steph are the shit and I thoroughly enjoy hanging out with them.
There's a lot of things I need to do though.
For example, I need to continue writing my novel & visit certain people I haven't seen in a while, and HANG OUT WITH TJ BECAUSE IT WILL HAPPEN YOU HOE, etc.

Anyways, it's Christmas and I need to stop complaining and just say I love you to all of you.
You all mean so much to me it's almost painful, and I really would be NOWHERE without you all.
You always put a real smile on my face, and I love you all.

Merry Christmas.

New Hair.
The back is bleach blonde but tomorrow I'm dying all the blonde parts red.

I love my friends.
Steph & I bought HOT glasses in Little 5.

JESUS!

I WANT HIS BODY SUPER DUPER BAD.

wtf

Aww. Cute.

someonesovague @ 2004-12-22T13:33:00

2004-12-22T18:33:07Z

What Will someonesovague Get ?

Xmas pressie predictor
Big wooly jumper knitted by	hidden_manner
Pair of Socks from	your_name____
Bottle of Whiskey from	stevoonfire
Cd from	___inmates
Something Cuddly from	cacoph0ny
Something Intoxicating from	unquietxmind
Something Silly from	ma5tubat10n
Something Funny from	asyoubleed
Lump of coal from	wangatrocious
Something Pretty from	fires_fizzle
Something Shiny from	last_goodbye_32
Something Naughty from	xbonjovicorex
Something Smelly from	exhumedrhetoric
Something Breakable from	dead_giveaway
Something Useful from	xchrisxcorex
Something not useful from	myheartwontwork
The Black and Decker Tool Kit from	mik3schim
Livejournal account from	stupid_lush
The Make-up Bag from	eagerxtearxdrop
Stack of DVDs from	_vermillion
Something Geeky from	astro_not

someonesovague @ 2004-12-21T13:35:00

2004-12-21T18:36:47Z

This weekend has been fun.
Last night with Sydney was quite an adventure, but nonetheless fun.
We saw Oceans 12 and it was... alright, I suppose.
I love that girl, she's too cute.

But, I just feel like certain things have been missing.

And I miss Greg.
A lot.

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry.

2004-12-16T02:53:35Z

You don't know how lovely you are.
I have to find you.
Tell you I need you, tell you I set you apart.
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions.
Oh let's go back to the start.

How appropriate.

I'm not writing this to get your "I'm Sorry" pity comments.
And I don't want you to tell me how things will change, because you and I both are quite aware that they never will.
Because some things just are meant to stay the same.
And I suppose this is one of them.

I was reading someone's livejournal post and it really sounded like something I would have written, because I honestly am feeling the exact same way.

Things have changed.
And I don't know how to get anything back to where I feel comfortable, but at this point I'm not sure they even could go back that way even if I wanted them to.

I'm always the outcast.
I'm always the third fucking wheel.
I'm always the one standing alone while everyone else is laughing and gossiping.
And I have no inside jokes or stupid phrases to say with anyone, because..
I don't have anyone.

I used to feel loved, and welcomed.
But, now, whenever I'm around people, I'm thinking to myself, "They don't like me very much."
Because no one tries to include me in anything.
And oh god, I'm not blaming anyone because I know I've discluded myself many times, but everything just seems to have come crashing down on me.

It hurts when you say to eachother, "Oh love, I'd love to get to know you better." or "We need to hang out more because you're amazing", because well, no one ever tells me that.

Maybe I'm just not a fun person to be around because I'm so caustic and sarcastic, and just get so moody.
But, it still really hurts when everyone loves eachother and everyone wants to be best friends, but no one includes me in it.

I just feel misplaced.
And like I should be somewhere else because I'm not really wanted where I am.
I used to be so content with life because I loved my friends and they seemingly loved me.
But, that's all gone now.

I'm not sure what exactly it is that I have done.
But, when I go out alone I get even more stares than I used to, and not the good kind.
I miss having someone to call my best friend.
But, I guess it's just a title anyways.

Please don't get me wrong when reading this, because I love my friends dearly and think you're all lovely people.
I just feel as though none of you want me around anymore.
And, I guess I can't make you feel differently.

I think this hurts so much because I'm not sure why I'm not affable like the rest of you.
I don't know, maybe I'm paranoid.

But, I can tell by the way your faces don't smile when you see me, that I'm not really wanted.
And I can tell by all of your sarcastic remarks towards me that I'm not really your friend.
I'm just a girl who you all see, and pretend to love, just so my heart doesn't break anymore.
But, I'm tired of looking in the mirror, with tear stained cheeks, wondering where my best friends went, and wondering how I drove them away.
I just can't figure out what exactly is so wrong with me.
And it hurts, because I love my friends more than anything in the world,
and if I don't have you all, I really do have nothing.
But, I just can't take your hurtful, sarcastic words any longer.
Because even if you're kidding, it's breaking my heart.

And I'd apologize every hour and every week and every month and every year for the rest of my life, if that would make things better.
But I know it won't.
And I just can't really apologize when I'm not sure what I've done.
These are supposed to be the best years of my life.
But, the certainly don't seem like it.
I miss feeling needed, feeling cared about.
I just want to be apart of everyone's lives again.

But, I guess watching from the sidelines is ~~okay~~ for now.

someonesovague @ 2004-12-13T21:22:00

2004-12-14T02:23:34Z

Dear Greg,

I <3 You and Your pink eye.

Love, Sammi.

PS. Wash your hands more often and maybe your eye ball wouldn't be pink.
Although, pink is a lovely color.

Give me your hand, and I'll show you where we stand.

2004-12-13T04:07:28Z

Dear Samantha Rae,

It's time to grow up.
It's time to let petty things go.
Every one talks about everyone.
Don't cry anymore.
Stop being so upset about everything.
Stop fighting with you're parents.
You know you're killing your mother.

Oh Samantha, dear.
Don't you know how you're changing?
Bitterness kills.
Jealousy wounds.
Those words you're whispering are for purposes that won't solve anything.
Come back to reality, love.
This is life, and it's not easy.
But, Rae, you can make it through.
Put all of this petty fighting aside, and ignore arrogance.
Ignore hateful words, because they disappear quickly.
You know you've said them before.

You're so beautiful when you cry.
But, love, it's time to stop. ~~You're not a child anymore.~~

Plastic Empires.

2004-12-12T21:28:43Z

This is retaliation.
And pay back is a bitch.

The weekend was nice. Friday, at work some boy complimented me on my hair which was sweet. Then I went to Carolyn's and Linny, Sam, Carolyn, and I went to Zack Blankes. There were about 45 people there or so.
It was crazy and everyone was fucked up minus a few of us.
I got to see a lot of old faces and met a lot of new ones.
It was lovely.
I missed those kids.
Last night I went out with Sydney.
We went to Fridays and then the mall, and the Starbucks.
Afterwards we saw Finding Neverland which was so amazing.
It made me cry, but seeing how I've been lately, that's not surprising.
I really love talking to Syd because I feel like I can her anything.
I fought with my parents last night, but, I don't even know where to begin about that.
So I'll just keep it to myself.

After Sydney and I talked last night, I stayed awake thinking about how fake the world is.
And how everyone is really backstabbing everyone.
I used to want to change that.
But, now, I've just decided to stand up for myself and myself alone and let everyone else deal with their shit themselves.
I'm sick of being a good friend to people who just end up being complete jerks anyways.
If you're a bitch to me, I'm not going to be nice anymore.
I'm going to be a bitch right back.
Because really, I think that's the only way anything will change.
So, be prepared.
I'm not fucking smiling anymore.
Don't give me your "I love you" bullshit anymore.
Because I know you're just saying the same things to everyone else.
I don't need your fucking sympathy.
And your fucking, "I care about you"'s.
Because I know when I walk away you're whispering, "I don't like her much."

And as for you,
I know what I want.
Now it's your turn.

She always was good at pretending.

someonesovague @ 2004-12-12T01:14:00

2004-12-12T06:17:03Z

Okay.
Join http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=______bejealous

and http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=______brushed_inred
Because basically, i said so.

someonesovague @ 2004-12-11T17:25:00

2004-12-11T22:25:36Z

I hate you.
And I really hope you fucking drown.

someonesovague @ 2004-12-07T22:44:00

2004-12-08T04:31:52Z

I could complain about how sad and depressing things are, but at this moment, I'd rather not.
Someone has just made me feel a lot better than I previously did so I'm going to stay silent for now.
Silence is beautiful.

Love is beautiful.

And Thursday is the Spill Canvas with Gillian, Lindsay, and BRETT. They're beautiful.

ERIC AND I GOT MARRIED. har har

lovelondonfog

Patrick and I are awesome.

I finally posted it, yo.

Sam=Satan?!

GO LADIES GO!

Dear David Head, I miss you & your rapping.

She's too beautiful<3

HE GAVE ME HIS PICK.

Uh. We're going to have sex basically.

BENNIEKINS.

Oh hey, I look like shit, what's up?

Sometimes being vain is fun.

Rub a dub dub!

LOOK AT THOSE HUGE THIGHS.

Love handles are still love.

And Erin Nelson, stop being so pretty.

Love always,
Super Scene Sammi Schait.(LOLZ JAYKAY KIDZ)

As the grafitti scrolls by...

2004-12-03T04:15:12Z

Today was, for the most part, a good day. I know most of you thought something was wrong because I was pretty quite and sad looking, but, I was mainly just thinking about life and all the little things it's composed of. Sometimes it's nice to just sit back and observe. I went to the mall alone and sat in the food court and watched people. Everyone has a story. Everyone has heartbreak. I spent hours trying to get inside their minds. And feel how they felt. It's nice to just appreciate life sometimes. And it's nice to read people behind their plastic smiles. No one is really 100% happy because something could always be a little better. Anyways, thank you to everyone in first period who made me laugh today. I needed that. Tomorrow Ben is picking me up from work and then we're going to scenebucks. That should be fun. I'll be quieter than usual, though. I want to observe life surrounding me.